There I was. Sitting at a table filled with people who were going to determine the next year of my life. I was 16 years old, just had a stroke, my head was still partially bald and I was a walking stick figure. You would think I would be a little more submissive. Nope. I couldn’t allow the principal, guidance counselors and speech pathologists to convince me to drop half of my classes because my memory wasn’t back yet. All of this made no sense. I was crying telling them that God told me I would be okay, that I could do this. Everything about me said otherwise, I was still struggling with repeating the same stories and misplacing my purse everywhere I went. I refused to believe God lied to me when my reality said something different.
I am almost positive they thought I was crazy. I was used to the stares and the looks of confusion on other’s faces by now. It is not often you come across a person as young as I was who survived a brain hemorrhage. When I was in the hospital God told me he does nothing less than perfect and I would be back to normal. I held onto those words for dear life, never has my faith been tested and strengthened simultaneously to that extent. I refused to believe I wouldn’t get better. I refused to believe I would have to drop my classes causing me not to graduate on time. I refused to believe I wouldn’t get my license or be able to drive due to my short term memory being gone. I made a choice to ignore how dim my reality was and to push through to the bright future God promised me.
"All of this made no sense"
Here I am, ten years later. In my right mind, my short term memory is restored completely and I see myself healing every day. Not only did I graduate on time, I graduated at 17 years old and also got my driver’s license on time. I dropped none of my classes in high school, I went to community college and got my associates degree, and I went on to continue my studies for my Bachelors in psychology and sociology. One day I will have my Masters in Speech and Language Pathology. I fought like hell to recover. I held on to the promise of God when everything around me told me not to. My faith made me look like I was crazy.
This was not the first time my faith made me look like a fool. This experience made me learn how to constantly believe God for the impossible. A year ago I lost my job and I knew it was time for me to pursue my calling full time. I prayed every day that God would make this possible, even if I had to get fired. A week later, lo and behold… I was fired for something outrageous. It was a huge blessing in disguise. I got booked every day the following week in NYC, a week later I was booked to speak at PENN STATE University. I jumped into the unknown head first. I just KNEW it was what God was calling me to do. It didn’t make sense to a lot of people. I wasn’t prepared for full time artistry and ministry, at least financially. So I made a Kickstarter campaign to help me jump start everything. Needless to say many people talked bad about me, many people I looked up to. This hurt tremendously but I couldn’t let pain get in the way of me following my purpose. I looked crazy to them, I was misunderstood and people even told me they were jealous of me and they wished they could follow their dreams full time. What was so confusing to me was, they could have, they just were afraid to take the leap into the unknown. I met my goal on Kickstarter and I have learned that there are far more people rooting for me than those who are against me and I thank God for each and every one of you daily.
So many of us never follow our dreams, goals and purpose in life because of the fear of the unknown, but if we truly believe in a power greater than ourselves why do we always want control of our own lives? What is faith if you always control the outcome? You can’t learn how to take leaps of faith if you’re always so focused on your foundation and your comfort zone. We are constantly being pulled in many directions by society and have so many voices telling us what to do or what faith is supposed to look like. It seems to me that many of us have forgotten what the voice of God sounds like. If you take the time to remind yourself, you will find that more times than not Gods voices sounds exactly opposite to what society’s voice sounds like. His voice is clear and peaceful. Even when he speaks something that contradicts your reality, you will have peace and a deep satisfaction that you are making the right decision.
"I refused to believe God lied to me when my reality said something different."
I am in a whole new space in life. I have learned through great loss and deep pain that God is faithful. He will take things that may seem like they were meant to harm us and allow them to help us. In hindsight, every moment where I felt like I was going die whether it was physically, spiritually or emotionally, I was actually being transformed into the woman I am today. What amazes me most is that this isn’t even my final form yet. I am without a car for the first time in over 7 years and I am about to give up my apartment to travel full time and give myself fully to the purpose of God in my life. Once again, none of these things make sense, but my soul has this unshakable peace that I cannot explain. God has a tendency to make Himself known in my life when everything around me doesn’t make sense. Faith will make you look like you are crazy, but faith will ALWAYS make you whole. There is a beauty in letting go of the wheel of your life and letting God truly take control. My prayer is that my faith could ignite yours and you will see that if I can overcome the impossible just by having faith in the One who makes all things possible, that you can do the same. You are loved and all you need to succeed is placed within you from the almighty.