Loving After Losing: Don't Date Me.

I am SO PICKY when it comes to dating. Surprise! I know my track record would probably say otherwise. Historically the few men I chose to spend time with turn out to be a waste of my time. For a lack of a better term or just playing it safe because one of them may be reading this. If you are... drink milk and stay strong. No one knows who you are boo. No shade, I promise. 

For the longest time when a man would ask me out I had a plethora of excuses I would use. From "I have a lot to do" to "I'll be out of town" or the worst "I didn't see your message" months later. All of those things are real life things that would occur but I learned to manipulate them into excuses to avoid turning someone down by just saying NO. I eventually became extremely honest and would just say "I'm not ready to date anyone right now I am still in love with this guy who moved on a long time ago" or "No thank you sir, I'm falling in love with myself right now" Both of these responses made men think I was crazy probably but they were both very true. Honesty is the best policy right? I thought so. But even those excuses didn't really work. Men still would come. I would tell them I was broken. They would run or try to fix me. I feel bad for the ones who tried to fix me because man was I rude! Hurt people hurt people. I was trying to protect not only myself but them as well. Or they were broken as well and we both would bask in our brokenness and eventually never speak again or share the side church hug in passing at events.  

 A lot of people are still single because they never take the time to heal. 

It got old really fast. Here I was face to face with my desire to be loved surrounded by tons of people, none of them equipped to love me how I was designed to be loved. I felt like my life was one big puzzle piece and I couldn't find the one I was supposed to be attached to. I wasn't going to attempt to reshape my edges to be someones perfect piece anymore. Then I just stopped being interested in anyone. I started to think something was wrong with me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was too needy. MAYBE JUST MAYBE I was.. *gasp* CRAZY! (insert heavy sarcasm here) Maybe I had standards that were too high. I just stopped feeling. I tried to stop paying attention to who left or who didn't text back. I got tired of making excuses for men who ignored me. I would say to myself "he probably is busy" which is very probable. But then I just realized he  just wasn't as into me as his actions stated. My heart went into hiatus. I refocused my love inwardly and into my art. I began this amazing self love journey that I am sure will continue to be a life long journey.  It was the best decision I could have made.

  I would rather take the risk of getting hurt again than to never love again. 

Opening up after having your heart broken is annoying. It so hard to do.  You will spend (at the minimum) weeks being anxious and awkward, not knowing when it is okay to open up. You must be patient with yourself even though you may never really know when to do so. At least I never did, which led to me opening up just a little bit to men who had iron walls built around their hearts. Their hands and lips seemed to be so free but I could never access where it mattered. I never realized how heart broken and closed in my generation is until I tried to not be closed in and cold hearted anymore. A lot of people are still single because they never take the time to heal. We just bounce around from person to person masking our wounds with fleeting moments and exploring great chemistry that fizzles out fast. We are afraid to take the risk to love again because it means that we might get hurt again. I would rather take the risk of getting hurt again than to never love again. I would rather feel the pain of heartbreak than to never feel anything again. 

It is okay to acknowledge that you aren't ready.

Don't date me was a title of a poem I wrote quite a few years ago when I felt overwhelmed with saying no to men who didn't fit into my religious or spiritual standards. Don't date me eventually turned into the energy I exuded because deep down inside I knew I wasn't ready. There was an uneasiness when it came to the thought of letting myself be open and intimate with another human being. There is nothing wrong with you. It is okay to take your time when opening up to someone. It is okay to acknowledge that you aren't ready. We are all on a journey. It is okay to want to be a little more whole before bringing someone with you on this journey. Take the time to complete the parts of you that you can. Realize that another human being can never complete you, but true love indeed can fill up your inadequacies you just have to be ready and willing to open up the empty parts of you that once made you feel like you weren't enough. Let's heal. Let's grow. Let's love, not because we are lonely but because we are ready.